Letter 1.14 - Looking for love
A day will come, Benoit, when you will think: “What good is all this philosophy if it cannot help me find the love of my life?” You are right. If grandad’s letters cannot help you in this domain you will doubt that they can be of any use elsewhere. The truth is that nobody, philosopher or not, has a definite answer.
Scientists are saying that matter is a condensation of energy. Could energy be a condensation of Love?
The general view is that we have a human species on planet earth that is split into many individuals. We are isolated by an ego neatly packaged in our individual skin. We live in society like eggs in their egg-packing - neatly arranged - avoiding real contact - and dreaming of an omelet.
How do we relate to each other?
We have two ways to communicate. We can do it thought the body or through the soul.
With 7 billion people on earth it seems that communication through the body is in good hands! That does not seem to be sufficient. Communicating through the soul does not follow the strict laws of the physical world. It is more flexible and we may have a chance to help it.
Let me tell you of three examples of people who found the love of their life.
Case # 1: I start with myself. I was happily married for 15 years until my wife died of cancer. As long as we were happy, we did not try to analyze anything. We both agreed that sex was an important part of our relationship but did not investigate any further. She died of bone cancer. It was very painful. For the last two years I could not even give her a hug. We were both surprised to see that the absence of sex did not change anything in our relationship. How come something that we both considered important could disappear without making any difference? What was our relationship really based on?
It is not always that way. We knew of another couple in a similar situation. Sex became impossible the day the husband learned that his wife had cancer. That was not something that he decided. It was a reaction out of his control. It was a very sad story. They divorced while she was dying. How come the same cancer can unite some people or pull others apart?
It is only after the death of my wife that I tried to understand what happened between us. I thought that we both could put our egos aside. That helped. You cannot imagine a happy couple where one is always using the other as an ego massage. The ego is what makes us say “I” and this “I” needs another “I”. The ego may separate us from the rest of humanity but we cannot separate ourselves from our ego.
I also thought that we were very careful to respect each other’s privacy. I would feel bad asking something I did not need to know. I would never ask where she buys her make-up or why she was late coming back home. That was only details and we should not let details pollute a relationship. I knew that there was something more important. I did not know what that could be.
Case # 2: It is the story of a couple who has been together for more than 25 years. They were always together. I was surprised to learn that each one owned his own house and the two houses were next to each other.
They said that the secret of their happiness was that the other was always free to go back to his own house next door.
They wanted to be together because they did not have to. They were united by their distance like two stars turning around each other.
This may be going a bit too far. I can think of each one having a desk and being absolutely sure that the other will never open a drawer to see what is in it? The relationship should respect individual freedom. Give total acceptance and you will receive total commitment.
Case # 3: It comes from a woman working in her backyard. It was more than a backyard. It was a beautiful garden surrounding the house on three sides. I could not say what was making it so beautiful. It could have been the harmony of the colors. Maybe it was the choice of the flowers, unless it came from the balance of light and shade. There was beauty and harmony and peace. It made you feel like that a load was taken out of your shoulders.
A sign said “God smiles through the flowers”. A bit further something was engraved in a stone: “Nothing is cast in concrete”.
The woman told me: “I don’t know why I keep working on this garden. My husband died two years ago. He worked a lot in this garden and I worked with him. He was doing it for me and I was doing it for him”.
Their garden was the symbol of what they wanted to share. Something beautiful that may require a lot of work but gives meaning to your life.
Can you find something common to those examples?
Start with the egos. Think of a sunset on the ocean. Human egos are like the millions of little sparks that you see on the ocean. They are isolated from each other but they reflect the light from the same sun. Human beings, and lovers in particular, reflect a light from the same source.
A relationship between lovers should start with freedom. You could call that the respect of the other’s individuality. Love and freedom come together like time and space. Limiting freedom also limits love. Getting closer requires some distance.
They removed something from their soul. They created a gap like the birds create a nest. The main obstacle to our happiness may be our own ego. Lovers have to get it out of the driver’s seat and place it on the passenger’s seat where it belongs.
The space between them should not be used as a dump where they throw their doubts, imbalance, dilemma, greed, failings and expect that the other will solve their problems. Look at the way people pollute their environment. Their houses get surrounded by wet newspapers, broken toys, empty beer cans, plastic, empty bottles of weed killer…. We pollute our life like we pollute our backyard. What could be a beautiful garden can become a dump. This is the material world pulling us down.
Think of lovers as dancers. They don’t dance with their body. They dance with their soul.
Stepping on your partner’s feet when you dance, is invading their territory. You must learn to respect their privacy. You should not rely on your partner to keep your balance.
Dancing helps the music penetrate the body and the soul. The music started in the immaterial world. It originates with the composer’s feelings. The musicians introduce them in our material world. After penetrating your body, the music takes something from your soul and carries it back to the immaterial world. This closes the cycle and unites the lovers.
A clean soul will make you the dance partner that many are looking for. If you don’t find them, they will find you. That does not apply only to lovers. It applies every time two people try to communicate. They will say that you are a likable person because they find it easier to communicate with you after the trash has been removed.
Don’t expect to understand what is coming to you. Don’t try to analyze. It comes from a level above. Be happy to be a channel.
A little masochism could help. It goes like this: “If you cannot live without it, you are not ready for it”. For instance, if you cannot have love without sex, there are some relationships to which you will not have access.
That does not mean that you cannot have a higher kind of relationship and also have sex. It means that you can have access to higher relationships only if you accept the idea that they may not include sex. When you are in such a relationship you will be surprised to see that sex can disappear without making any difference.
It is not going to be easy. Don’t get discouraged. It is true that the material world is pulling you down. Fortunately, love is pulling you UP. This is your connection with the rest of the universe and your partner is part of that connection. Talking is an attempt to communicate through the bodies. It is limited like anything else in the material world. Love is communication through the immaterial. It is infinitely more powerful. Your love for your partner becomes part of a more general love of the world.
Of course, this is only the point of view of an old man. Make your own opinion. This is what life is all about.